Heresy

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May 20th, 2011 by Rami

A few months ago, we asked staffers to fess up to their love of certain CLASSIC ROCK icons.

Well, we’re passionate music fans here and some of those passions can run to the negative. So, this time around, we're having the dedicated drones in the Bloodshot hive commit musical heresy; to call to the carpet that which they cannot stand, despite popular opinions.

To whit, everybody was asked which figurative statues in the Rock and Roll Square they'd like to pull down in an uprising. These are bands or artists that have enjoyed widespread critical and/or commercial acclaim; that are, in some cases, considered sacrosanct parts of the musical canon.

Some of this can be pretty harsh and polemical, so if your sensibilities are delicate, turn elsewhere.

For the purposes of this amusing exercise in sabre-rattling music criticism, we had three categories: CLASSIC ROCK, INDIE ROCK and CLASSIC COUNTRY.

Bloodshot LTD, their officers or their secretive Swiss hedge fund managers take no responsibility for the opinions expressed herein.

The knives have been sharpened.

BLOODSHOT NAN

Classic rock: Jethro Tull. The airy flute is like fingernails on a chalkboard.

Indie rock: I don't get the Smashing Pumpkins. I'm from Chicago, met some of the band and liked them personally, so I should like their music, right? But no—I hear nothing compelling in their songs.

Classic country: I hate to admit it, but I can't listen to Townes Van Zandt sing. I'm happy to hear singers I like cover his songs ...

TOUR PUBLICIST LEIGH ANN

Classic Rock: The Grateful Dead: their cult-like following both scares and confuses me. The best thing to come from the dead in my book: Cherry Garcia ice cream.

Indie Rock: The Moldy Peaches: You know that annoying indie band that's played in almost every scene of Juno.... bleh, i'm annoyed just thinking about it.

Classic Country: Anyone who sings about how proud they are to be an American, a Ford truck owner, or any of that crap.

[Editor's note: We forgive Leigh Ann for her lack of specificity in this category, she's young and far too immersed in the youthly pleasures of the Misfits and Crass to yet be bothered with old school country. That time will come…]

CAMILLE (SUPER INTERN)

Classic Rock: Aerosmith. They suck. The sheer thought of them makes my skin crawl. When posting my hatred of Aerosmith on Facebook I gladly bask in the bombardment of responses; most are paragraphs explaining all the reasons why I should love them. But those fools are wasting their time and energy. I will never love them.

Indie Rock: R.E.M. While I admit tapping my foot to one or two of their tunes that random jukebox enthusiasts at my favorite watering hole might choose to play, any band that makes me suffer through a song called "Shiny Happy People" deserves to be tarred and feathered. Ironically, that song evokes such agony in my soul the last thing I am after hearing the first few notes is shiny or happy.

Classic Country: This is a tough one. I really don't hate anyone from that genre. Most likely I am not familiar with all the artists but the ones I do know I enjoy. If I have to choose my least favorite of the group it would have to be Kenny Rogers. Not for his music; I hate Kenny Rogers for what he did to his face. I remember weekends with my Dad listening to his record collection and seeing that pseudo Santa face gleaming back at me from the jacket cover while we sang "The Gambler" or "Lucille". I wouldn't be surprised if his appearance today makes children cry.

One more thing: I don't know what genre he falls under but I hate Jimmy Buffet. When tending bar in New Orleans I worked at a place in the Quarter across from Margaritaville for a year. If I hear "Cheeseburger In Paradise" one more time I may hurt someone ...

[Editor's note: You will notice that it is wise to stay on Camille's good side. She is not bashful with her opinions … and she is Chicago Italian, so LOOK OUT.]

RADIO JOE

Classic Rock: Beatles: I hold them responsible for polished pop rock and draw a direct line of responsibility from them to acts like NSYNC and New Kids On The Block. Rock should have some sense of abandon to it. These tools show multiple generations how to break down each little note and phrase till all the life is deconstructed out of a song. I think they got better the later in their career and think hands down, Lennon and Harrison did their best stuff AFTER the Beatles. Give me any Stones album over every Beatles album. Worst part is the ultimate offender is still out there…your time will come McCartney!

Indie Rock: Smashing Pumpkins: I feel like Corgan can’t sound Rock. No matter how much wind he puts forth, he always sounds like he is whining. They were at the forefront of every emo kid with a recording device crying his sad little poetry out to the world, sounding as though they do not have a testicle between them. Indie rock, rarely actually “rocks”, but it DOES complain a lot. Where's the palpable anger, kids? A-HA had more legitimate angst.

Classic Country: Tammy Wynette
“Mousy” is about the only way I can describe her. Although she had several “feminist” songs, the ones that broke big almost always seemed to be about the pathetic sadness associated with a failing relationships. Most of her performances were wooden. I just never felt like she sold it. I always preferred solo George to any of the duet stuff as well. Just rather hear Loretta.

LABEL MANAGER SCOTT

Classic rock: Eric Clapton. If Clapton is God, then God is indeed dead. Too smug for my tastes, and his earnestness rings hollow, to my ear. He's like coffee...he sucks without Cream. Zing!

Indie rock: Kings of Leon. I just don't get it. Inane lyrics sung poorly. "My sex is on fire"...what does that even mean? If taken literally, then dude, you really DO have a problem there...see a doctor or call the fire dept. Stay off my radio.

Classic Country: Glen Campbell. As with Clapton, I'm just not picking up what he's throwing down. Far, far too clean for my gritty, countrified palette. Represents the most whitewashed sound, among a generation of country giants. More Broadway than Lower Broad.

INTERWEB MAGICIAN JP

Classic Rock: THE FUCKING EAGLES

Indie Rock: Joanna Newsom
(No comment)

Classic Country: Lee Greenwood
My dad, bless him, would play Lee Greenwood's greatest hits on cassette over and over and over in our red Ford Econoline during our cross-country camping trips. W's adoption of "God Bless the USA" after 9/11 was just icing on the cake.

[Editor's note: Point well taken on Lee, and my distaste for him and the flag-waving yahoo-ishness he whips up takes a backseat to no one, however, I am unaware that he was, or ever will be, critically acclaimed.]

RETAIL PETE

Classic Rock: To The Eagles: I hate your terrible, watery music with the fury of a thousand suns. I'm with The Dude on this one- "I hate the fuckin' Eagles, man."
BONUS PICK: To The Grateful Dead: You are an easy target, but as the originators and chief perpetrators of wacky, happy, free-wheelin' hippie bullshit and thereby spawning the smoldering turd genre of "jamband", I feel you are most deserving of my laser-focused hatred.

Indie Rock: To Greg Gillis/Girl Talk: Congratulations on making hundreds of thousands of dollars dicking around on your laptop. You are not making music, other people already made it and you're just slapping it around a little. Jive Bunny and the Mastermixers already had this covered in the late 1980's: It was grating and horrible then, and it is no different now. Girl Talk is the peak embodiment of winking hipster-y, "Hey man, remember Fraggle Rock?" irony that is ruining popular culture.

Classic Country: To Crystal Gayle: Even teaming up with Tom Waits on "One From the Heart" couldn't change my mind.

PUBLICIST JOSH

Classic Rock: The Doors: I first submitted Bowie, but then someone mentioned the Doors and I think I might actually hate them. Jim Morrison is the most overrated rock star that has even been.

Indie Rock: Pavement: I tried Slanted and Enchanted, Crooked Rain, and Wowee Zowee, but nothing ever really stuck. JP's going to be so mad at me for this choice.

Classic Country: I can't pinpoint this to one artist of the classic country set, but more of a sub-genre within it. The clean, overproduced records that '70s country pop bred seem to be so opposite of what the point of the genre was. I wanna hear grit, dusty strings, and cigarette timbre, not perfect pitch or elaborate orchestrated string arrangements.

[Editor's note: This is surprising, as Josh seems like a Countrypolitan type of guy, and is routinely referred to by office guests as "suave"]

BLOODSHOT ROB

Classic Rock: Pink Floyd: Not just for the BORING music, but for all that mystical moony stoner Gandalf horseshit wisdom they engendered. The only good thing about them is the commonly held belief that they sound better on headphones, meaning I don't have to hear you listening to them.

Indie Rock: Sonic Youth: Post-Goo they are essentially Yes for the tattoo and piercing set. Each noodley new record is greeted by rock critics channeling David Foster Wallace in order to find new words and clever ways to express their greatness and cutting-edgery. I doubt any of them listen to the records twice, though. I say this comfortable in the knowledge that I will be pelted by paper wads and abuse whenever I walk by certain other staffers.

Classic Country: Gram Parsons: Look, he's OK, but I can't buy into the glassy-eyed reverence or cutting-edge cross-genre masterworks. I was once on a panel at SXSW and I asserted that Nazereth's version of Love Hurts rules over his. I was booed. I stand by it. A hippie in a Nudie suit is still a hippie. My apologies to Emmylou Harris.

[Beatles sculpture photo by David H]